The over-examined life

ὁ δὲ ἀνεξέταστος βίος οὐ βιωτὸς ἀνθρώπῳ

If I had to choose the overarching emotion that's shadowed birthdays, holidays, and major life events for much of my adolescent/adult life, I'd probably pick "existential dread." Since about as far back as I can remember, I'd always felt a sort of introspective angst around those days. Familiar, impossible-to-answer questions would be resurrected in my brain when I turned a year older, graduated from high school, moved to college, lived through another New Year's. Earlier on, they often dealt with abstract meaning:

What's the meaning of life? Why do we exist? Why do we die?

and later on they became more grounded in my own experience:

Am I spending my time well? What am I going to regret when I'm older? Why does it feel like time moves so fast?

Often, when these thoughts wormed their way into the front of my mind, they'd hang around for a while. ("Come on in, make yourselves comfortable", crooned my subconscious.) So, over my 25 years of existence, I've had plenty of time to ponder Big Life Questions. At the time, I felt this was a good thing: I spent so much time grappling with the direction my life should take— thoughts I naively assumed most people didn't pay much mind to or actively avoided— that surely I'd never have one of those "wake-up-and-you're-50-and-your-life-sucks" moments I'd always heard about in books and movies.

I hit a turning point on my 24th birthday. For the first time in my adolescent-plus life, I decided to skip the whole pit-in-my-stomach part as much as possible and just focus on enjoying the day. I took off work, did some of my favorite things (rock climbing, birding in a local forest preserve) with one of my favorite people, and would you believe it? I had a great time. And I never felt like I'd missed out on some crucial introspection that, sure, would've rained on my parade in the present, but would be so worth it in the long term.

So I've revised my opinion on self-reflection. Maybe most people aren't having existential crises four times a year because they're relatively happy, not because they just don't bother thinking beyond their day-to-day. And maybe spiraling over-examination is not a hallmark of a life well lived. That's not to say I no longer value some well-directed self-analysis— just that there's a balance, and the extremes on both ends are more easily reachable than I'd like. I still like to journal and take some time to ask myself important questions (Am I happy with work? Am I spending my time well? How are my relationships?). But I try to do so in a more productive way, and not during times of extra stress.

And as far as that wake-up-in-a-middle-aged-panic stuff? I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there, but for now I try to keep in mind as much as possible that life is a constant series of tiny decisions. I think as long as I try to be present during the day-to-day, and as long as I earnestly question myself and my actions every so often to avoid blindly falling into old habits, things will end up okay. Down the line, I won't remember every atomic thought or word or act that made up my life, but I'll be able to trust that at least I tried to live decently most of the time. And that is a life worth living.

Ahead in 2024

I've never been a huge fan of the New Year holiday, and coming up with formal resolutions has always made me feel itchy. Something about the stereotyped "This year, I'm going to finally do x" bums me out a bit. The mix of hope, excitement, and creeping disappointment/doubt is like the feeling when a new local restaurant closes down before you had a chance to try it— or, realistically, after you had several chances to try it but just never did. (Yeah, I know, I've got my own emotional baggage on this one. Nothing against resolutions.)

That said, living without anything to aim for is the fast track to nowhere, so I guess I'd better put a few thoughts down. Here's what I want to do more of during this year:

• Meditate, ideally daily
• Explore new meals and cook more often
• Journal more than the current "oh crap it's been a month, time to barf up 3 pages"
• Write in any capacity, but especially on things I'm passionate about
• Be more well-read regarding:
  • world events (more elections and cultural events and less the up-to-date death toll of the current atrocity dominating the headlines)
  • politics (but in a know-legislation-and-what-each-candidate-stands-for sort of way)
• And be proactive about maintaining relationships, even with people who no longer live close to me

Whatever your goals and aspirations, I wish you all the best during the new year and beyond.